An Ode to All the Male Celebrity Colognes We've Loved and Lost

03/21/2016 at 05:27 PM ET

Pretty much every day of the year is dedicated to some obscure holiday celebrating things the majority of people can’t even muster up excitement over on their most upbeat day (National Headgear Day, anyone?). But when we heard that Monday was National Fragrance Day, we managed to put our Bummer Betty attitudes to the side for a moment and embrace the celebratory spirit, paying tribute to our favorite current fragrances, as well as the famous dudes’ signature scents we sadly have bid adieu to over the years (to say nothing of the ones you can still buy and wear, at your own risk).

Trump Bruce Willis Akon CologneFragrantica (3)

Let’s kick things off with the three scents that are surely the most baffling of the bunch. You may have a passing familiarity of Akon’s music, but we bet you didn’t know that he’s the proud maker of one of the most inventive perfume bottles in the industry, Konvict, shaped like two interlocked handcuffs meant to pay homage to both the three years he spent in prison and his Grammy-nominated album Konvicted.

Bruce Willis: Musician, actor, parfumier. Surprised? Indeed, Willis has created his eponymous eau de perfum Bruce Willis Personal Edition by Bruce Willis. Right away, this name raises so many questions. What makes it personal? Does this mean there are other non-personal editions? How hard was it not to call this Yippie Ki-Yay, Perfume Sniffers? And how confused to you think Willis got at the launch party with everyone just saying his name over and over again?

But most importantly, and luxuriously, our favorite Cheeto-hued Presidential hopeful, Donald Trump, has tried his hand at a number of failed fragrances, but our favorite has to be the tragically ironic Success by Trump because … they don’t make it anymore. Now we’re waiting patiently for his follow up fragrances, Eau de Wispy Combover and Misogynie Parfum, to drop.

RELATED PHOTOS: 11 Scents We’re Loving Right Now, in Honor of National Fragrance Day

Alan Cumming Nigel Barkinson Kiss Ludacris CologneFragrantica (4)

Alan Cumming also has adopted his own name for his signature scents, made in collaboration with CB I Hate Perfume. Be on the lookout for 2nd Cumming, the hotly anticipated follow up to his debut fragrance elegantly entitled, Cumming. (Make of the name what you will; he sure did.)

RELATED VIDEO: Jennifer Aniston Launches a New Perfume, Shares Her Favorite Scents (Hint: Men’s Sweat Is One of Them!)

Considering Kiss has found a way to market themselves across every possible product platform, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that they created a branded cologne. And it also should not come as a surprise that the scents smell almost as alarming as their facepaint, with an odor reviewers have succinctly described as “post-sport-man-crotch.”

Nigel Barker of America’s Next Top Model fame also tried his hand at fragrances, creating four scents in collaboration with Demeter. But given their discontinued status, we’re going to guess the smells didn’t make his customers smize, nor were they particularly noted.

Then, of course, Ludacris lent his name and visage to his own version of Tag body spray. What remains unclear is whether the scent indulged any woman’s “Fantasy.”

Antonio Banderas ColognesFragrantica (3)

Who knew Antonio Banderas secretly ran a fragrance empire? These three colognes (though not discontinued entirely) are really just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the actor’s dozen of fragrance offerings. According to his Wikipedia, Banderas has been working with fragrance and beauty company Puig “for over ten years, becoming one of the brand’s most successful representatives.” Perfume, clothing design, marking everything in sight with a giant Z … is there anything this man can’t do?

Michael Jackson wasn’t just a hitmaker, he was a perfumer par excellence, “stirring our senses like never before with two dangerously seductive scents Mystique de Michael Jackson for Women and Legende de Michael Jackson for Men too dangerous to be sold in any store.” We have chills just watching the ad.

And finally, because we haven’t weirded you out enough over the course of this post, the title of ultimate bizarre male celebrity fragrance goes to Burger King’s Flame cologne. Sure, the Burger King may be fictional royalty, but the creepy giant-headed mascot is decidedly male and thus, deserves a spot on this list.

What male celebrity cologne is your favorite? Which iconic fragrances did we miss?

–Emily Kirkpatrick

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Lindy Segal on

CUMMING BY ALAN CUMMIMG!! Going to watch the commercial now.

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